I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
