i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
