I smell stomach acid.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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