your parents love me but you hate me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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