Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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