Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
