I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
