get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
