I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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