It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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