I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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