peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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