Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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