I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize