Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
