I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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