so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize