On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i think i just lost a toe
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
