the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
