everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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