Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize