i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i dont even know how to be here
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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