Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
3pm strippers are depressing
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
