Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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