my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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