My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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