She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
