After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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