textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
