I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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