There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
