I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
