Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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