My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
well you can't waste a boner
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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