i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The power of my boobs compel you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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