Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
