I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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