i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
