Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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