How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We left the knife in your bed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
