just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
