my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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