somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
