Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
