I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
