I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
