How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
