haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
