Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
