oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
