i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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