i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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