i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just want to make out with him forever
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
