then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
