Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
