A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
