Just fell off a train. Bad.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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