I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
