Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
