please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
