wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
