note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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