I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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