The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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