A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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