my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
