even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
